wednesday 5th january

why can't i get him out of my head!? it's driving me nuts, ok, so i was stupid enough to fall in love, but it's been over for months and i still think about him all the time. i'm a freak, he knows i'm a freak, how could i be so certain about him? it...

tuesday 4th january

i weighed in today, 9st 7lbs (133lbs) :( thats bad, i've gained 7lbs over christmas, but it all stops NOW. today i've eaten 400 calories, exercise has got to start tomorrow, from now until 21st february i won't eat more that 500 calories a day. i hope...

monday 3rd january

i've decided i'm not pregnant, if i was there's no way i still am after all the blood i've lost over the past few days :( the bleeding seems to be stopping now. i don't really know how to feel about it. i should be pleased that i'm not pregnant. i...

sunday 2nd january

so it's been a while. i started eating more normally over christmas, not because i think it's a good excuse, but because i was convinced i was pregnant. to be honest i still think i am. i have no proof. i haven't missed a single period and i've done...

my throat hurts

i had done so well today, eaten 505 calories, done 45 mins of cardio and 90 stomach crunches. BUT, i've just had a binge, toast and chocolate....and i purged. it's the first time i've done that in years. i feel awful about it. i swore i wouldn't do...

monday 20th december

fuck fuck fuck! i haven't had a bm in days and i've run out of laxatives. i've searched my whole flat and i can't find a single damn one. i usually have a couple stashed away but they are all gone :( on a better note, i weighed 9st 3lbs (129lbs) this...

sunday 19th december

yesterday i weighed 9st 3.2 lbs (129.2 lbs), but then i ate :( today i weigh 9st 4 lbs (130 lbs) been good today, i've eaten 719 calories. starting tomorrow i'm dropping to 500 calories a day, i've got to start shifting this weight, no more excuses....

friday 17th december

i weigh the same today, 9st 3.8lbs (129.8lbs), upset but not surprised, just got to try harder. didn't do a workout today as the flat above mine had a pipe leeking so had to clear up and dry out the water from my flat, but i've done well food wise,...

thursday 16th december

so i weighed in at 9st 3.8 lbs this morning (129.8 lbs), not too bad, i can't wait to get below 9stone. today i've eaten 803 calories, done 45 minutes of cardio and 60 stomach crunches. though i haven't had a bm today, so tomorrows weigh in is going...

wednesday 15th december

i weighed in at 9st 5.2 lbs this morning, not bad, could have been better. i've eaten 811 calories today, done 45 minutes of cardio and 50 stomach crunches. food is starting to disgust me again which is good, food is not my friend, it makes me fat and...

tuesday 14th december

i weighed myself on sunday, 9st 5.2 lbs :( then i binged so on monday i weighed 9st 7lbs. but i've stayed on track since, today i weighed 9st 6lbs. i'm cutting my food down slowly to get used to eating less again. this week i'm staying under 1000...

saturday 11th december

i've got to start focusing all my time and energy on ana. i've let her slip away from me for far too long. i want to be skinny again. i'm so fat at the moment. i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and put my weight on here. i think i weigh about...

tuesday 7th december

i've stuck to 800 calories a day for the past week so i have allowed  myself a day off today. back on it tomorrow, and i have to start to cut back on my calories, i need to get back to eating 500 a day, it works for me. i'm still crying. i think...

monday 29th november

still alive, still depressed. i'm trying to learn not to speak too much. i'm always the person with the strong opinion, always saying what i think. but i've realised that i have nothing to say. nothing that anyone really wants to hear. why do i bother...

tuesday 23rd november

i ate 534 calories yesterday, i didn't do a workout but i kept really busy all day doing housework. i'm struggling, i want to eat bad food. this keeps happening. i suddenly think "whats the point" and it doesn't matter if i'm fat or thin, i'm still...

diary of the depressed

it's been a long time since i last posted. heres a quick update on my life. i got my weight down to 7st 3lbs (101 lbs). i wasn't feeling great. i could barely stand, i was cold and dizzy all the time. then one evening i looked in the mirror and my...

still alone

so i tried, i really tried. to open up and let people get close to me. i tried to be myself with my friends and let them see the real me, even the weak side of me. i let that guy i was seeing closer to me than anyone. i told him things. i opened up to...

crawling

Crawling, crawling, crawling, Not walking, but crawling Not running, only crawling, Never still, always crawling, No where to go, but crawling, Need to get there, but only crawling.   Crawling, crawling, crawling, My skin, i...

i know i'm a joke

i know what people think of me, i think it of myself too. i am a complete joke. i am a ridiculous excuse for a person. i know people laugh at me, not just strangers but people i know, friends, guys. i am a laughing stock. i go around with my bleached...

i weighed in

i weighed myself today, 7st 5.4 lbs (103.4 lbs), not bad considering the weekend, it could have been a lot worse, but i'm really hoping to be back down to 7st 3lbs by the weekend. yesterday i ate 548 calories and i did do my half an hour of...

oops

i haven't written for a few days, i ate loads the weekend just gone. it was half planned though, i was feeling soo weak, i could barely stand at times, i knew i needed food and lots of it. so i ate. yes i do feel re energized now, but eating the food...

weak

today i've eaten 499 calories, done an hour of cardio and 300 stomach crunches this morning and done half an hour of weights this evening, i weigh the same as yesterday, 7st 3.8 lbs (101.8 lbs). i feel like crap, i'm so weak i can barely stand at...

going down!

today i weigh 7st 3.8 lbs (101.8 lbs), i'm so happy, i've eaten 469 calories today, done an hour of cardio and 300 stomach crunches this morning, tonight i done an hour hip hop dance class. thats all i can be bothered to write tonight, i'm too...

still the same

today i still weigh 7st 5lbs (103 lbs), i'm not too worried, i should start going down again soon, my target is to get to 7st 3lbs by the weekend, that's only two pounds, should be doable :) today i've eaten 469 calories, done an hour of cardio,...

giving my life to ana

today i weigh 7st 5 lbs ( 103 lbs) which is good as yesterday was my 1000 calorie eating day, i was dreading putting on weight, but i stayed the same which is good. today i've eaten 469 calories and i've done an hour of cardio and 300 stomach...