someone

thats all i needed, someone to stand by me and put me first no matter what, someone to protect me, someone to make sure that im ok, someone to always be there.   i thought i had found that someone.   i hadn't.   i never will.   ...

lies

why do people say they are going to be there for you when they're not? more importantly,why do i believe them? i just needed support while i got help. you know i was trying. you knew it would take time. you knew how much doing that would hurt me. but...

alone at last

told the man i love i can't be just friends with him anymore. asked him to let me go if he doesn't love me. it's been torture recently. everytime i've seen him it's been hard. i never want him to go, i want him to stay with me, to hold me, to make me...

trapped

i can't move on, i can't let go. i am stuck right in the middle of my own despair. moods are wild and i can't control them. i long for control, but i can't find any at the moment. i need it though, any type of control. i feel i am slipping. i am...

pancakes

had pancakes today, ate too much. am drinking beer again. i really need my antidepressants back. need to be level. need to function. need to focus. focus into the deep black hole that is my life. control is called for. control is needed. control is...

i can't sleep

why is it me who is up all night? why is it me worrying? why is it me having panic attacks? you came to me. you asked me for help. why is it me who really needs the help?

bed

i guess it's time to go to sleep again now. alone. wrapped in my duvet so tight that it feels like i'm being held. the morning will come. the daylight will shine. i will awaken. breathe. shower. dress. i will move. i will talk. i will function. no one...

i can't do this

this is to you andy: i can't do this anymore, all i do is love and care and all you do is let me down, every time, on everything. i am not important to you at all. my feelings are not important. the financial mess you've put me in is not important....

at least now i know

once things are said and done there's no turning back, it's out there, and we can pretend that everything's fine, we can pretend we are fine, we can put on our fake smile and give the fake answers that people want to hear, we can seem happy and like...

the bitch was right

turns out that nasty bitch in my head was right again, my best friend at times hasn't wanted to see me, all because i stuck up for myself for once and didn't let her walk all over me. i knew people didn't really want to be around me. thats two people...

how stupid am i?

there's a reason my so called friends don't want to spend time with me. there's a reason i am always single. no one likes me. and i can't say i blame them. i don't like me either. but i'm stuck with me. 24/7. when will this all be over? when will i...

can't keep fighting

i've been trying so hard to stay positive and happy, to talk to people and be calm. it's not working. i've been trying so hard to ignore the bitch in my head. i'm so lonely with out her though. real people can't be there for me 24/7 like she is, and...

my hardest post ever

so, a lot has happened. i was pregnant. 9 weeks 4 days. the father was a good friend. the most amazing person i have ever met. he is some one that i love very much. i couldn't keep the baby. he lost his son a few years ago. he has never gotten over...

the broken heal

things have been bad recently, 2013 was one of the worst years of my life. but i made it through. there were two shining lights of that year though, regaining contact with an old friend and meeting the most amazing person in the world. because of...

self diagnosis

so from reading online, taking questionnaires and talking to friends i've worked out i have bipolar. it fits all my symptoms :( i am NOT going to my doctor about it, i don't want to be drugged up til i'm a numb zombie. i have started taking my...

update

things with my friends got really bad, now they are better....for now, am waiting for things to go bad again, they always do! weight today: 9st 3.8lbs. i've gained 0.2lbs overnight, even though i've not been eating much. my head is so fucked up at...

strange day

it's been a weird one. weighed in, 9st 8lbs (134lbs) so better than expected. i stuck to my calories. didn't do a workout cos i'm still recovering from yesterday. i guess i'm just lonely. getting used to not talking to real people again. i've had...

today

so i did a workout, 30 minutes on my rowing machine, i've eaten 465 calories, all going good so far. it's my birthday on wednesday, so i'll stick to my diet until it's time for cake and beer. at this stage i need to appear fine. can't let on what i'm...

listening

just done a workout, nearly killed me. am controlling my food today. see. i am listening

life

everything is crap at the moment. feel like i have no-one but the voice in my head. don't know why i bother with real people anyway. they always let you down. i'm much better off by myself, listening to my inner bitch. she's awful to me, says really...

20 years

thats how long i've known my best friend for. or at least, i thought i knew her. last night she turned on me. used something i had told her about against me. she was sorry after. but the damage has been done. it's taken me years to allow her to get...

my head hurts

my inner bully is on good form as usual, fucking everything up as usual. saying what i believe other people are really thinking. why did he take me to the wedding when he wants to be with her? why does he take me dancing when he should be taking his...

so alone

is this really the only place i can speak? i try and talk but people either get upset or angry or both. i don't blame them, if i had to listen to me i would be the same. i'm so sick of being so pathetic. i'm so sick of needing people. they always let...

hurt

men always want to hurt me, as soon as i feel strong again some man feels the need to put me back in my place and show me that i'm weak. i know men are stronger than me, if they want something they will take it and there's not a damn thing i can do...

oh

am so sad and hungry, but can't eat. i keep making the same stupid mistakes in my life because i'm so stupid. when will i learn? when will i give up trying? nothing i ever do is good enough. i give and give and give and all i ever get is pain. i'm so...